Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
