he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have already put on my inside pants.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
