i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
