Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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