New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
