Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
