The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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