tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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