just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
