he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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