I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We have started to decorate penises.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
