Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
