I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
