i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize