Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
