I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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