I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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