his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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