my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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