guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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