Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
