i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
