Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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