I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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