just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
