Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
