Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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