if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
