what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
