Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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