I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
