dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
