I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
