I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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