My room smells like vodka and shame
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
