did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
