I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
