they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
