i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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