Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
