he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
