I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
