I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
