im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
