I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
