The maid of honor just puked.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
