Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
