You smell like stripper and shame
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
