my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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