he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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